I sucked at parallel parking in drivers ed

Somehow I think this guy aced it.

Watch The World Record For Parallel Parking With Only 26 Centimeters To Spare [VIDEO] | Ryan Seacrest - The official entertainment news site of American Idol host and American Top 40 on air radio personality!

I also suck at using an umbrella.

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The art of umbrella-ing

I need to take lessons in the art of using an umbrella while getting into a car. I'm good up until the moment I must close the umbrella. Then I become a wet mess as I fold it up while sliding in the car. Plus, I have to put my giant, dripping golf umbrella into the car as well. Where do I put it while hurrying to close the door? The passenger side is the only option, so now it looks like someone went surfing over there. I'm 100% sure the inside of my car is significantly wetter simply because I used an umbrella.

My hair still looks good though. Kinda.

Need to label your kids' back-to-school stuff? Shop at labelitorloseit.com and use the code "tiger" to get 10% off your order! 


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What were you looking for?

One of the great things about blogging on Blogger.com (and probably every blog site but whatever) is that you can find out all sorts of fun statistics about who visits your blog and how they got there. Every now and then I check out what search phrases people use to find my blog. The ways people wind up here are just amazing. Here is a look at 10 11 of them, including links to the entries that I think caused these poor people to land on my blog instead of wherever they were actually trying to go:

1. 100% rain predictions ever wrong?

What does this mean and why did they search for it? Bizarre.

Predictions vs. Reality: Work-Related Travel

2. the first time i moved

This one really stumps me, particularly because of the use of the word “I.” Why on Earth would anyone use google to search for personal information? This makes absolutely no sense. I don’t know what he or she was actually looking for but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my blog.

I have no idea what links these words to this blog. Do you?

3. "i hate shoes"

OK. Again with the “I.” I don’t understand you people.

Because Shoes Should Not Equal Torture Devices

4. piles+little+girls+clothes

What? I really like the + signs in this one though. It feels so nonsensically math-y.

No clue.

5. a spider that when you hit it, it deflates

I know I talk too much about spiders in this blog. But deflating spiders… that’s just a whole new thing. I probably need to research this. Yesterday.

Spiders vs. SPIDERS, etc.

6. constant messy hair

If you are looking up “constant messy hair,” does that mean you have it and want to get rid of it, or you want it? I’m confused. Also, shouldn’t it actually be “constantly?”

The Beauty of Intentionally Messy Hair

7. dont want to cut pet door in cat room

OK, well, don’t then. Nobody’s making you put in a pet door. Sheesh.

Buying a Pet Door for a Fat Cat

8. funniest thing about the rain

Can rain be funny? This is not the case where I live. Maybe I need to google “funny rain” and see if I can find out where I need to move to in order to experience this (but that might lead me back here, right?). Because wet rain is a real drag.

No idea...maybe because of the "rain" in the title?

9. how to tell if a person is a therian

I never heard this word before it showed up in my search terms. Dictionary.com says that therian means, “(in some classification systems) belonging or pertaining to the group Theria, comprising the marsupial and placental mammals and their extinct ancestors.” I’m not sure that this is what the “searcher” was referring to. Apparently it also means, according to Wikipedia, “a member of the contemporary subculture of therianthropy, which is based on a spiritual and/or psychological identification with animals… Therianthropy refers to the metamorphosis of humans into other animals... via shape shifting."  This one sounds much cooler. No matter which definition you are looking for, you aren't finding therians in my blog. So sorry. [Don't you feel educated now?]

I'm pretty sure this was just some kind of wacky spelling mix up. 

10. it's a pillow it's a pet mp3

I feel sorry for you if you are looking for this song on mp3. You need a life. Kudos on using the right form of "it's," though.

Your Pillow Pet Will Not Successfully Serve as a Barf Bag (<--One of my earliest and most favorite entries.)

11. i am dreaming of a spider and wake up thinking it is there?

Again with the first person pronoun! What’s wrong with you people? GOOGLE DOES NOT HOLD THE ANSWERS TO WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE YOUR HEAD! 

Some random spider entry. Maybe this one. 

I  have SO MANY more of these crazy search terms. I'll share more of them later. But I think the important thing to take away from this is that spiders play wayyyyyy too big a part of this blog. I must rectify this. Or not, because a lot of people are finding this blog by accident while looking for some legitimate spider information. That's good for me, but maybe bad for them. Good thing I don't care about them. Spiders. Spiders. Spiders. Spiders. SPIDERS! 

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Oops!

Well, it probably won't mean seven years of bad luck but it does mean several days of me cutting my feet on microscopic pieces of glass.

Baseball math

A professional baseball game for a big baseball fan = Heaven

A professional baseball game for someone who doesn't care about baseball = Purgatory

A professional baseball game for someone who has to also care for a four-year-old non-baseball-loving child at that baseball game = Hell

(It wasn't really that bad, but I sure made a lot of trips up and down the stairs for bathroom trips, lunch, and ketchup for her pizza. That's right. FOR HER PIZZA.)

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Why make it if it's going to get unmade in 12 hours?

Recently, we spent a few days at a hotel on the beach. My kids each climbed into a tightly made twin bed on the first night.

Girl: I need a blanket.

Me: No you don't, there's one on the bed.

Girl: Where? I don't see a blanket.

Me: You just pull down the sheets, under the pillow.

Girl: Really? Wow!

Then The Boy came in.

Boy: I need a blanket.

Girl: LOOK! It's under the pillow! Fold it down!

I started laughing uncontrollably as it became clear that my children have apparently encountered far too few made beds in their lifetimes. We must be horrible parents. Or maybe just untidy ones.






<----My current favorite CD!

If you need to get an incurable disease, I recommend that you choose one that doesn’t involve your excretory or reproductive organs.

I’m naked from the waist down in front of strangers WAY too often these days. Can you conduct a reasonable and pleasant conversation while someone you just met has her fingers all up in your business? I can. I’m freaking GIFTED.

At this point, I’m wearing my nice underwear ALL OF THE TIME because I never know when some doctor, nurse, or therapist is going to ask me to drop trow. Even the Acupuncturist has to get a little personal. At this point, if some random person on the street stopped me and told me to undress from the waist down and put a gown on so it opens in the back, I’d probably do it. And then I’d wonder why people were honking.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Start here!

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SPIDER!

A giant SPIDER is hiding in my bedroom (specifically, in my dresser) and I'm already making plans to sleep on the couch tonight. It's true that there could be a giant spider lurking near my couch too, but a spider you know is worse than a spider you don't know.

It's agoraphobia logic.

(What the hell?--->)

You won't like me when I'm angry

Today at my new physical therapist's office, I had to sign a waiver that explained that a variety of treatments may be used to help reduce the painful flare-ups of Interstitial Cystitis, including vaginal weights. That's right; vaginal weights. It's so awesome to have a bladder disease.

Soon I'll be able to crush you with my strengthened lady parts. You should start running now.

Don't know about Interstitial Cystitis? Read "I fail at peeing"

(This disease sucks giant donkey butt--------->)

It's good to be home!

Perhaps the most important thing I learned on my recent vacation is that my Papillon doesn’t like to poop away from home.

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So sorry, fella.

I just walked a dog in the dark and grumpily used a leaf to remove a nugget of poop some jackass dog owner left right on the sidewalk. I grabbed the biggest leaf I could find (didn't want to sully my own potential poop bag, I guess) and struggled to remove the stubborn pile from the walkway. When I finally got it free and brushed it aside, it made an odd clanking sound.

Me: Hmm, Spark. I'm thinking that wasn't poop. Maybe it was a rock. Weird.

Spark: Pant pant pant.... (You didn't think my dog actually talked, did you?)

On my way back by I noticed that the poop/rock had slid into a dimly lit area. Surprise! It was a snail. After getting over feeling horrible, I uprighted him (without the offensive use of the poop-protecting leaf). He seemed OK.

And that's why you should mind your own business while walking your dog.

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What IQ?

Today my son came in the bathroom to blow his nose. Instead of walking 10 feet to the toilet paper, he stopped two feet into the bathroom and BLEW HIS NOSE ON HIS OWN BATH TOWEL. I was stunned.

Me: DUDE! You have to DRY yourself with that towel. Now there's going to be snot all over it!

Boy: I don't care.

Me: Use some toilet paper.

I hand him toilet paper.

Boy: Fine. Hey, my nose is even bleeding now. HA! Look at my towel! HA! Look at my FACE!

I'm strongly reconsidering that whole gifted diagnosis. 


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Serving dinner to Jesus

I was informed today by a two-and-a-half-year-old that Jesus dines on Pizza, chicken, and Dino Nuggets.* I love the Creationist conundrum that the Dino Nuggets pose. Also, notice that nobody makes Jesus eat his broccoli. Lucky guy. 


*If you don't have young kids, you may not know that Dino Nuggets are dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. You probably couldn't have guessed it from the context either, right?

Moms, what do you wear to work?

This post is brought to you by http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/categories/Scrubs/Scrubs-for-Women/.


I'm a freelance writer. My work clothes consist of whatever I want them to be. Generally I "dress" for work significantly worse than I do for anything else. Old clothes, pajamas, dirty clothes, no clothes at all (don't drop by)... I've worked on articles read by thousands wearing them all. It's a pretty great gig if you hate dressing up and are allergic to paying for dry cleaning. 


But in thinking about work clothes, I started to wonder what a mom's uniform is. Because while my paying job is freelance writing, my 24-hour-a-day, seven-days-a-week volunteer assignment is being a mother. What are mom clothes?


For me, they mostly involve denim. By owning several pairs of denim shorts, I can put on pretty much any of the wash-and-wear shirts in my wardrobe (which are mostly dark colors) and they match. This is very helpful when dressing in a hurry (when am I not dressing in a hurry?). 


I start out clean, and I'm not naturally messy, but hands get wiped on my pants whenever there aren't towels, and dog and rabbit hair collect on everything. It's not a glamorous job, and the wardrobe matches. Does your "momiform" match mine?


Blue Sky Scrubs sells a wide variety of scrub tops, bottoms, hats, lab coats, and other shirts, jackets, and accessories. 

Suicide squirrels

If I could have one day where driving somewhere didn't involve me playing chicken with a squirrel, that would be great. I realize that some days the shock of the experience is my only cardiovascular exercise, but still. STILL.

Read This is Why You Shouldn't Dye Your Hair at Home.

(There's squirrel repellent? Wonder if I could attach it to the front of my car?-->)

This is why you shouldn't dye your hair at home.

Anybody see a problem with this?

Apparently if you dye your hair every two months, you are entirely screwed. And if you dye your hair every "Oh my gosh, look at my roots! Let's see if I can get the kids in bed and then get the dye on my hair to sit while I clean house naked because that dye stains the hell out of your clothes and now I have a perfectly good pair of undies with a completely unacceptable brown stain but wait you're not supposed to wash your first but if I don't I'll go around all day looking like a total greaseball so I had better just do it anyway," well, then you should just give it up now. Grey hair is considered distinguished, right?

Kale Chips?

I spent some of this afternoon making kale chips and then a smaller portion of this afternoon learning that I don't like kale chips. I was hoping they would be like the veggie chips I get at the health food store, but they have a chewiness to them that's just hard to get past. I suppose I could have done something wrong, but the recipe was simple and I'm not really sure how I could have muffed it up.

You can't tell that they are crispy in this photo, but they are. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the remaining "chips," but I think one blog I read had it right when they suggested smashing them into a dust and sprinkling them on other food. (Don't tell anyone here, but tonight's fish was dusted with kale as a healthy seasoning. SHHHH!)

If you too would like to waste a portion of your day making kale chips, you can find many recipes on the internet. After reading a few, I used this one, primarily because it said you didn't have to line your pan with paper (which I don't have). Of course, this means that none of the recipes require paper, but that was my reasoning and I'm sticking to it.

I bet the dogs will eat these, and for sure the rabbits....

(Or you could just buy them. Less time invested in making horrible tasting food, but more money. It's your call.---->)

Which one is better? One? Or two?

Today I went to the eye doctor (and the Acupuncturist, but that's a whole 'nother post), and when I got back, a twitter friend of mine sent me this. Brian Regan always makes me laugh, so I thought I should share.

Thanks @LGiaPeace!

This is too well done to miss‬‏

This kitten is so adorable, and very, very vigilant.

YouTube - ‪kitten vs TWO scary things (котенок против ДВУХ неведомых хреней)‬‏

Fighting evil one dish at a time

My superpower is fitting one more thing in the dishwasher.

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It's an acquired taste

Thanks to my new elimination diet, I had a toasted millet bread bagel with goat cheese on top for dinner last night. It spawned this conversation:

Boy: What is that?

Me: A bagel with goat cheese.

Boy: Can I try it?

Me: Sure.

I broke off a small piece.

Me: Here you go.

Boy [chewing]: Ugh! Oh! UHHHH!!!

Me: You can go spit it out in the trash if you want.

Boy [running over to trash and spitting]: You LIKE this????

Me: Well, you kind of get used to it.

Boy: Wow.

He later deemed the bagel tasty enough, but requested it with peanut butter rather than goat cheese. I can't say I blame him.


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I fail at peeing

If you follow this blog, you might remember my in depth discussion of my urinary woes, culminating in a torture session procedure designed to widen my urethra. (If you have a strong constitution, you can read about my experiences here and here.) The hope was that I had an easily (ha!) treatable problem rather than a horrible chronic bladder pain disease. Unfortunately, after further visits with two doctors, the results are in and I am indeed an Interstitial Cystitis* sufferer. If you are keeping track, this means that out of the four people in my immediate family, three of us have rare diseases/afflictions/syndromes (The Girl has a Chiari Malformation and The Boy has Tourette’s Syndrome Plus and is on the autism spectrum). I suspect that Husband should get out now before it’s too late. Except then he’d be leaving me with all this mess and I’d be pretty pissed about that, so I think he’s stuck. Maybe he should wear a surgical mask or something.

At my last urology appointment, I had the pleasure of peeing into a device that measures both urine output and force of flow. Apparently I am mildly retarded in the “force” department, falling one standard deviation below the mean (who knew that there was an average pee force rating?). But then the nurse used a sonogram-type of machine to measure how much urine remained in my bladder after I’m finished peeing. (I retroactively hate every nurse that has ever catheterized me for this same purpose. Bitches, all of you!) The doctor informed me that I retain 120ccs of urine (4 ounces) every time I finish going (that’s half a cup, which seems kind of crazy, right?). I asked him, “How much does a normal person retain?” The doctor replied, “Well, I just did this test on a 92-year-old man and he had 8ccs left.” The doctor seemed to find this very funny. He’s that kind of guy.

So, that’s it. I officially fail at peeing.

I’ve been urination-impaired for years. Long ago when I had a similar test (with a catheter, BITCH), the nurse actually said to me, “Did you finish peeing?” Dumbfounded by this question, I said, “You mean just now when you sent me in the bathroom to pee?” “Yes,” she said irritably. “Did you finish peeing?” Of course I answered “Yes,” but internally I was thinking, “When does anyone EVER not finish peeing on purpose? Who thinks, ‘Wow, I totally love this bathroom, let me make sure that I have to come back her in another ½ hour?’ WHO DOESN’T FINISH PEEING TO THE BEST OF THEIR ABILITY? Did she think I did a bunch of Kegel exercises so I could stop mid-stream and save up some just so she’d feel useful with her instrument of torture catheter? Honestly.”

Whew. I feel better now.

Anyway, my treatment consists of pain medication (currently limited to OTC painkillers and prescription Pyridium, which makes my pee a lovely shade of orange while it apparently damages my production of red blood cells), physical therapy (which will hopefully help in the long run), and a very restricted diet (which I have now restricted even further as I attempt to isolate particular irritants). I’m planning on starting acupuncture soon, which I think automatically ups my “cool” quotient by 50 points. I suspect I may be gluten-intolerant or I have some wonky food problems** (the almond milk I bought to use while I go dairy-free seems to actually be something I can’t handle at all, how’s that for ridiculous?). Right now I’m eating all kinds of unfamiliar foods and I’m still in a lot of pain, but I’ve lost some weight so I guess the whole thing is working out well. Or maybe not. It’s hard to tell.

So far, it’s raining pretty hard on me and my family in 2011. My grandmother died, my mom’s dog died unexpectedly, I’ve been in pain, tired, and out-of-sorts since February, and my son has had his usual drama of tics and attention problems. And that’s just in the health department; that doesn’t count the car repairs and other stressors. But damn it, hand me an umbrella, and I’ll grit my teeth and laugh at the rain.

*What's Interstitial Cystitis? Click here for the Wikipedia entry.

**This reduces my cool points by a bunch, doesn’t it?

A warning for twitter users

An important message for twitter users can be found at the link below. Please make a note of it.

Molly Knight

20% less plastic

My bottles of water, which I buy only because I can't find a reusable bottle this same size and shape*, have changed. The lids are about half the size, and the company is super proud of it.

This super special half-lid design and some other modifications mean this bottle has 20% less plastic than the company's previous bottle. This is great, except it now has 50% less of the ability to keep my water inside the bottle. Once opened, reapplying the lid takes talent and sticking your tongue out just right. If you fail in your attempt to fully close the bottle, the new micro-lid will LOOK like it's going to hold your water inside, but unless you hold it perfectly upright, you will expose the lid's failure to, well, be a functioning lid. This has resulted in the inside of my purse getting wet twice before I got smart about it and started double checking. This is an annoyance I just don't need.

Get your crap together, bottle makers. Maybe try 10% less plastic first until you work out the kinks.


(Too big, but probably leak-free------->)





*This matters because they fit in my backpack purse, not because I'm all hung up on this sort of thing. For reals.

Remember when I blogged about eating raw cookie dough?

Here's a recipe that I'm about to try. It's all stuff I already have around the house, and no potentially-food-poisoning-inducing eggs. Win!

Safe to Eat Raw Cookie Dough Recipe | LIVESTRONG.COM

You're welcome.

UPDATE: It's pretty good, but I think it has a little too much vanilla in it. Also, the consistency is a little off. Still, I've had a bit of a rough day, and some cookie dough is a good fix.

UPDATE 2: Wow, it's amazing how fast this stuff fills you up!

UPDATE 3: UGHHH!!! There *is* such a thing as too much cookie dough. Who knew?



(Overkill----->)