Tuesday, May 31, 2011

You have to watch these elephant babies bathe (NOW WITH MORE BATHING!)

You know you are looking for some work distractions this morning. Check out these adorable elephant babies! I particularly like how the little one falls back into the pool. So awesome! Read the info too; it's interesting that the pools only last for five baths. I guess that makes sense when you are talking about 2000 pounds of elephant rolling around in something inflatable.

Edited to add: Found this one of the older elephant in the above video on his first ever experience with a pool. He's only two weeks old in this video, which should make mothers everywhere cringe in horror. But he's adorable!

(How about this for the perfect ad to go with this post? HA!------------->)

Monday, May 30, 2011

The beach has nothing on her

On Sunday, I walked a tired, whiny four-year-old down to the beach during our weekend vacation while listening to her complain about wanting to go back to the hotel room. I knew that she didn’t really want to go back to the room. She was mimicking her brother, who had just spent the last 20 minutes trying to get me to take him back there. (Please don’t think I tortured my children with endless beach. It was only 10am. The Boy had a thirty minute period in which he could not convince anyone to do exactly what he wanted to do, and that made him grouchy.) He had finally given up and went back to having fun and then she started in as we walked down the ramp to the beach. Here’s a part of the conversation, minus a good chunk of the whine:

Girl: I want to go back to the room. I want to go back to the room. I want to go back to the room!

Me: Oh, come on. We’re at the beach! Look around. It’s beautiful!

Girl [With her most scrunched-up nose and furious eyes]: There is NOTHING beautiful around here except ME!


Me: Wow.

And then we went to play in the sand. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Princesses are so versatile

This appears to be a collection of princesses and a horse having a polite conversation. Instead, these are Mario characters about to battle Bowser to save Princess Daisy. Apparently.

Have you read Circles and Circles and Circles Again?

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Circles and circles and circles again*

Me: Boy, you're finished with your cookie already. Would you like another one?

Boy (while playing the Wii): No.

Me: So are you full then?

Boy: No. I need more to eat.

Me: Well, what do you want then? There isn't much time before bed. Do you want goldfish or something?

Boy: No, I want a cookie.

Me: DUDE! How did this conversation start?

Boy: I don't know.

Me: WITH ME ASKING YOU IF YOU WANTED A COOKIE! Then you said "no," and I asked you want you wanted instead, and now we're back here again! Do you really want a cookie?

Boy: YES I want a cookie!

Me: [Sigh] Fine.

*50 awesome points to the first person who can tell me what obscure song that's from.

 (Is this really free? Wild!------------------->)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Welcome to the Breastaissance Festival

There’s something about the opportunity to wear a costume that makes at least 50% of America’s women want to dress like whores. Attempted sexy is often the costume of the day whenever it’s an option. Many women (and some men) enjoyed our local Renaissance Festival in costume, and that rule definitely applied.

The problem with this is that a full 75%* of the women who jump at a chance to dress in what they believe to be sexy clothing apparently don’t own a mirror or have no ability to adequately judge what they look like. Therefore, some parts of the Renaissance Festival were more awkward/gross/embarrassing/hilarious than we expected.

About 95% of the “sexy” costumes showcased the wearer’s breasts. Since breasts are quite malleable, their owners took every opportunity to squeeze them together and push them up and on display (without showing off their nipples, because that small bit of flesh pushes “sexy” into “illegal”). But the poor women without mirrors (or taste) were apparently unaware that you can squish and push and still wind up with a lot of wrong. Let my piss poor drawings help explain:

Quad Boob

Women demonstrating the quad boob phenomenon don’t actually possess four breasts. They do have more breasts than their dress is designed for, though. So their flesh bulges everywhere except where the neckline cuts in. This looks uncomfortable and rather alienesque. I can’t imagine that anyone interested in women finds this sexually intriguing. Although there are many things in life I don’t know; this could be one of them.

Shelf Boob

The women with shelf boob syndrome are trying to make mountains out of mole hills. They push those moldable boobs up to face the world but they aren’t leaving enough in the dress to fill it out. This creates truly weird profile. Honestly, are people fooled by this? Are there really folks who are so “Ohhhh, look at her boobs!” that they can’t see that without that dress on, she’s not going to look like that? And that’s a good thing, because who wants breasts with flat bottoms?

Non-boob Errors

Not all the costumes showcased breasts. There were a lot of fairies, which I didn’t really understand. OF COURSE the fairies wore skintight clothes along with their wings. Although one of them had these completely ridiculous furry neon green leg warmers which I simply could not fit into the Renaissance theme. Unfortunately for her, the grounds were very dirty, and the creatures she was wearing on her legs were going to need baths when she got home. I actually thought she pretty much deserved that.

The final completely confounding costume was one I just couldn’t draw for you. It involved a bikini top that was covered in these swinging shimmery silver confetti-looking things. I can’t AT ALL reconcile this with “Renaissance.” I also can’t understand how this girl’s parents let her go out like that because she looked like she was maybe 14. You know, she probably told them she was going to the Renaissance Festival, left the house in jeans, got in a friend’s car, and changed into that train wreck on the way there. Teenagers will go to great lengths to look like idiots. Although there’s a strong chance that her mom was a quad-boober, and so this girl might just be doomed.

In summary, if you want to go somewhere in costume and you feel the need to sex it up a bit, take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Does this outfit do for me what I want it to?” If you can’t decide (or think, “Hell yes, I look mega-hot!”), ask a friend for her honest evaluation. And make sure that friend is not a teenager.

*Percentages add legitimacy to otherwise bullshit posts.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

No stink is good stink

Last night I spent a half an hour completing the paperwork required for my appointment today with a urogynecologist, a specialty that I didn't even know existed a few months ago. Ignorance is bliss. Anyway, the survey included many questions that made me think.  This is one of them:

"Do you usually lose gas from the rectum beyond your control? If so, how much does this bother you?"*

After reading this, I realize that I've been doing this fart thing all wrong. I'm supposed to have complete control over this? I had no idea that others could hold gas in indefinitely and expel it only when desired. (Is it ever desired?) If that's the case, then hell yeah, it bothers me! I too want supreme gas control! It also upsets me that the rest of the world apparently can retain their gas AND YET THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO SO, soiling my nostrils with their stench on elevators, in crowded hallways, and so on. HOW RUDE!

I'm going to need to discuss this with Husband right away. Because clearly he's been lying to me with his "I can't help it!" stories. My whole marriage has been built on lies. LIES!

I wonder if there is a medication for this? I'm going to get some right away, and share it with my loved ones. Because no stink is good stink.

Read more about horrid urological things here and here.

*Yes, I realize what they really meant by this question. But that's no fun.

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Monday, May 16, 2011


Girl: Look, it's Snow White and her dorks.

Me: You mean "dwarves."

Girl: I call them "dorks."

Me: Fair enough.

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

How am I still sane?

Today is an "early release day" at my son's school, which means he gets out at noon. School regulations indicate that children be served lunch every day, even when they leave at lunchtime. Since he buys his lunch at school, The Boy eats a full hot meal every day. But today we are meeting a friend of The Boy's for lunch and playtime, so I suggested that he bring just a snack to eat at lunchtime so he can still enjoy some chicken nuggets with the rest of us. We first discussed it last night:

Me: Would you like to bring just a snack for lunch tomorrow so that we can all sit and eat together at the restaurant after I pick you up? 

Boy: Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

Me: OK, I'll just pack you something little then.

In the morning before school, we discussed it again:

Me: OK, I packed you just some popcorn and a few pieces of lunch meat for lunch. Then we can eat nuggets and fries with your friend. Sound good?

Boy: Yeah, that sounds good. 

When we got out of the car to walk up to the school, The Boy pointed to his lunch box.

Boy: What's that?

Me: What?

Boy: That, in your hand. What is it?

Me: Your lunch box.

Boy: I'm bringing my lunch today???


Me: Dude, we talked about you bringing a snack so we can all eat lunch together later. Remember?

Boy: What?

Me: Last night and this morning we talked about you bringing some popcorn and some lunch meat so you'll still be hungry when we all meet for lunch today. You know, with your friend. We just talked about this. Remember???

Boy: I have no idea what you are talking about. I want to buy my lunch like usual.


Me: Seriously?

Boy: YES!



Me: OK, let me put your lunch box back in the car then.

I have a headache.

Boobs, a bunny, and The Boy.

Monday, May 9, 2011

On display at the park

If you are wearing a top that looks like this to the park with your small children, you really don't need to bother wearing a top at all. Every time she moved she had to hitch up the cups. It was impossible not to watch, fascinated/horrified, waiting for the inevitable nip slip.

Sorry about the photo quality. It's hard to take a picture with your cell phone while sitting on a swing and pretending that you aren't taking a picture at all. And then I had to work out some response when my son said, loudly, "What are you taking a picture of?" The whole thing was a challenge. You're welcome.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Here's looking at you, kid

This doll is in the play area at my son's doctors' office:

I'm not sure how I haven't seen this doll in there before since we spend wayyyyy too much time at this office, but I guess it's because my son doesn't care about dolls (or anything but his DSi, which he likes to play nonstop in the waiting room). When we walked by demon doll here, she was propped up in the doorway eying everyone going in and out of the office. It was impossible not to notice her and her total creepiness. I mean, that messed up eyeball is really bad, but pair it with that "duh" open-mouth look and you've got... you've got... well, I don't know what you've got, but it's horrible. I bet that thing comes to life at night and takes swipes at the cleaning crew with a metal fingernail file that she sharpens during the lunch hour. 

The very least that this office full of very expensive neuropsychiatric doctors could do is whip out a sharpie and give this doll the gift of 3D vision, don't you think? Or, you know, throw it in the trash. That works for me too.

I think I might have a nightmare....

PS-Please notice the metal file, since it took much longer to create than you might think. I suck at art. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Details matter

When you are a seven-year-old boy who hates to write, there is a giant difference between the following two assignments:

1. Write six of your 10 spelling words, each in its own sentence.

2. Write a story including six of your 10 spelling words.

The first assignment results in six painful sentences, each including one spelling word. The second gets you this (spelling words are underlined):

The cow and mouse went out of town for the week. The mouse burned her mouth and they ran to the doctor.

The end.

Efficiency, my friends.

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