Thursday, September 25, 2014

Unfortunate Long Light

Today I was driving The Girl home from swimming only to find myself stuck in traffic directly in front of The Todd, which is technically known as Todd Couples Superstore.  As you might assume, The Todd sells "adult products," otherwise known as sex stuff. The outside of the building is fairly plain (and windowless, naturally), and would never have caught The Girl's eye except for the cartoon king and queen on the wall.

The Girl: What's that place?

Me: Uhhh, what place? 

(Come on, light!)

The Girl: That place, right there. With the king and queen on it.

Me: It's called The Todd.

(Please don't ask me what the store sells. Please, please, please! What am I going to say if she asks me? I don't lie to the kids, but what's an honest answer that's developmentally appropriate? Think fast, THINK FAST!)

The Girl: Wh...


The Girl: Why does it have that king and queen on the wall?


Me: I don't know.

(Thank goodness this traffic is starting to move.)

The Girl: That queen's boobs are really big. 

Me: Yeah, I guess so.

The Girl: Her arms are crossed and they are, like, spilling all over them.

Me: Uh huh.

(Where is this going?)

The Girl: I'm almost done with my nuggets. 


Saturday, September 6, 2014

This is the part when....

I love to sing. I don't know why it feels so good, but I love doing it. I find that it improves my mood. It also shakes my kids out of their grumps and funks when necessary. One day, everyone was aggravating me, so I told them I was going to sing all my conversations with them for the foreseeable future. They groaned, but it turned all the grouching into laughter, so it obviously worked.

My strong points are classical and Broadway styles, which lend themselves quite nicely to improvised tunes about washing hands, brushing teeth, and flushing the toilet. It is a powerful, successful strategy for getting us through the day. I'm a competent singer, though I won't be gracing the stage of any reality singing shows anytime soon. My kids don't know how much worse this habit could be if I was tone deaf!

One early morning before school, The Girl, who is seven going on 17, emerged from her bedroom at the speed of snail, tipping my "aggravation detector" right off the bat. It's amazing how 6:45 on a school day equates to a dragging child wrapped in a blanket like it's not 80 degrees already, when the same time on a Saturday results in someone who has already played six video games, watched TV, and has strewn dolls all over her room. But that's not the point of this story.

So The Girl was standing there, all grumped up, and I asked her what she wanted for breakfast. After no reasonable, intelligible answers were forthcoming, I selected Ariana's Break Free for the song of the moment.

Me [singing in an early-morning falsetto]: "This is... the part where you eat your breakfast...."

I accompanied it with some jazzy hands and whatnot. You know. For emphasis.

The Girl: "MOM! Seriously?!"

Me: Hey, you know, not everybody's mom sings them Ariana Grande music before 7 in the morning.


But then she told me "A Pop Tart*," so mission accomplished. Thanks, Ariana!

I've included the video here in case you are not up on pop music and have no idea what I'm talking about. While the song is catchy and fun, I suspect that this may be the worst video of all time. My apologies. 

*Don't lecture me on the Pop Tarts. It's food, it's fortified, and it's in her body before school starts, and that's the best I can do. Breakfast is not her friend.