Showing posts with label I'm probably crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm probably crazy. Show all posts

Monday, July 23, 2012

I wouldn't drink that if I were you....

Once again, it was time for me to leave a urine sample in my urologist's office as part of the instillation process. Instillations are a fun part of having interstitial cystitis, since this treatment is a medicine that is instilled in the bladder through a catheter. Catheters are super fun and exciting instruments of torture. Wohoo!

This time I was lacking some creativity on what to write on the outside of my urine specimen cup. If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you'll remember that I like to write a bit of whimsy on the outside of each cup, just because. This was fun at first but then the nurse admitted that sometimes when she has a crummy day, she actually looks forward to handling my pee just because of the little statement on the cup. Pressure!

So, I resorted to asking for ideas on facebook. I got several, but the winning idea came from Scott Lovelis. He suggested getting a Mott's apple juice sticker for the cup. Now, I didn't have one of those hanging around but I did have a bunch of Mott's juice boxes and the cardboard thingo that goes inside the shrink-wrapped container of boxes. So I got out my scissors and packed the cut-out and some tape in my purse. And I giggled a little.

This idea only worked because I’m in pretty good shape, pain-wise, nowadays and I don’t have to use bladder pain meds very often. The pain meds make urine either fire red or an odd toilet-bowl-cleaner blue. Neither would be likened to apple juice.
I went into the bathroom to execute my plan. I decorated the cup, took the picture, and then realized I could never pee in it and not bump/knock off/mess up the Mott’s sign. So I had to employ a second cup and then poured the pee in the creative cup VERY CAREFULLY. I am very committed to this gag, clearly.

The nurse loved it, of course! She complimented me on my creativity. I had to admit I’d gotten the idea from someone on facebook. I’m pretty sure she still thinks I’m awesome.

To add to today’s fun, my regular nurse was training a new nurse. This nurse had never done a catherization before (and she still hasn’t; today she was just watching, thankfully) and so my regular nurse had to give a step-by-step lecture on the whole thing. “You see this? This is the urethra.” Wonderful.

Life. It just doesn’t get much better than this!




The "or not" part was all me. 

For more posts about Interstitial Cystitis, including all my crazy urine cups, click here. 

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Friday, July 13, 2012

Yay! I'm! So! Excited!


OK! I would LOVE to put my items in this basket! What an great idea!

Librarians must be easily excited. Or, at least, easily excited by the idea that library patrons might put their returned stuff in its place rather than leaving it all the hell over the library. 

Remind me to never be a librarian. That ish is hard work.


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Thursday, June 7, 2012

I didn't really know what it was about when I put it on hold.

The copy of Fifty Shades of Grey I requested is now available at my local library. I sure hope the pages aren't sticky.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy

You can't really click to look inside. My apologies for the lie. 





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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Switched at birth

This story about new evidence that may lead to the recovery of Amelia Earhart's plane is interesting, but mostly I'm just surprised at how much Amelia looks like Uma Thurman.



Right?

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Monday, March 19, 2012

The story of a large jawbreaker

Ambition.

Defeat.

Until tomorrow!


PS. I totally dislike my hands. I think they are my least favorite body part, and that's saying a lot when you consider how fat my butt is. 


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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Piece of Sh!t Day

Today started for me at 1:40am after I had been asleep for about an hour. I heard weird noises from the living room. Payton the Wonder Whippet had lost the ability to use her right hind leg. She was fine an hour before and just like that, her world, and ours, has changed. I got her to the emergency vet before 3am. By 4, I knew that she had suffered a Fibrocartilaginous Embolism, and while she may recover some of her mobility, she'll probably no longer be the fastest dog in the house. She spent the day completely stationary, unable to walk without assistance, or even to go to the bathroom without help. Payton is nearly 11, but a young, healthy not-quite-11. Totally crappy. In fact, the situation is so crappy that I accidentally taught The Girl the word "sucks." Damn it. 


Payton on a better day.




And then I went to the eye doctor and found out I need bifocals. BIFOCALS.* (I'll be getting "monovision" contacts first, with one eye learning to handle the up close work and one eye doing the distance stuff. I'm sure that will go smoothly. Riiiiighht.) Plus I have to make all these changes in my eye care habits. No more swimming with my contacts in unless I wear goggles (which I hate). No more swimming without goggles period, really. Take omega 3 fatty acids (unless those mess up my bladder, which I guess I'll find out the hard way). Use eye drops. Throw away my disposable contacts after two weeks instead of wearing them until they irritate me (what, that wasn't a good plan?). And here's the best one: spend 15 minutes twice a day with a damp washcloth on my closed eyes. I don't get time to close my eyes for 5 minutes twice a day, so I'm sure this will work out well. On day 1 I managed to do this zero times, so I guess I'll have to build up to it.


I'm hoping there will be some sleep for us tonight, because three hours of broken sleep really doesn't cut it.   Tomorrow Payton and I will meet with a specialist who will hopefully teach me exercises to help her recover. And maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Because today totally sucked.**


*First person to make fun of me for being 40 and needing bifocals gets punched in the neck. So does the second person. Third person? Don't press your luck.


**Because I cheated and copied the name of Payton's disorder and pasted it in this entry, it completely effed up the font for the entire page. COULD. NOT. FIX IT. So, that's about right for today. 


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Saturday, March 10, 2012

CHEESECAKE!!!

Every so often, I get requests to write about various subjects on this blog. Most of the time, they are ridiculous topics, sometimes things that aren’t even grammatically correct. “Please write about ‘real estate California.’” Sure. No problem. I live in Florida and know nothing about real estate, but I’ll work that in nice and smooth.

Right.

But this time… this time the topic is CHEESECAKE! I can get all kinds of behind cheese cake! My favorite kind of cheesecake used to be the homemade Jello kind, you know, with the graham cracker crust? Yum! (I realize that this barely qualifies as cheesecake but whatever. Clearly I'm no dessert snob.) 

Since my teens I’ve expanded my appreciation of cheesecake into the realm of all. All cheesecake. One year at the Dog Writers of America Association annual writing contest banquet, my cheesecake dessert had icy chunks in it because it was partially frozen. You know want? IT WAS STILL GOOD. Not as good as completely unfrozen cheesecake, but still. STILL.

I’m hungry.

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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Walgreens got a new shipment of Zotz...


And now they need more!

In an interesting twist, while I was paying for all the cherry Zotz, another woman came up with all the grape Zotz. She said, "I usually buy all the grape and all the cherry," and I said, "Well, I'm happy I beat you here!"

I'm not the only crazy. 

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Where's my cape?

Being able to sign an email with "Thanks," rather than "You're an idiot" is my super power.


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Monday, February 27, 2012

I probably need some help

The other day I noticed a teenage gymnast hanging out in the YMCA locker room, and I was totally jealous, but not of her youth or of her fit body. I was jealous because I noticed that she actually has time to paint her toenails!


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Thursday, February 16, 2012

Juanita the Weasel

Fans of Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, probably already know about her newest addition, a taxidermied weasel named Juanita (read about Juanita here). Since Jenny inspires creativity in her readers, she provided a blank photo of Juanita for us to caption.  And despite the eleventy tons of work I should be doing, I did this instead.

Here, I give you Juanita doing her Nancy Kerrigan impression:

You're welcome. 

For those of you coming here from thebloggess.com, thanks! Please stick around and read another entry. Here's one: There's something kind of right about this.
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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Spider for Sale


At my friendly neighborhood Pet Supermarket, this spider cage sits up on a shelf so high that I had to hold my phone over my head to take a picture of it. Don't go looking for the spider. He's ALLEGEDLY under the bedding. I just thought the information on the cage was so interesting that I had to take a picture of it.

While I was snapping away, a salesman came over to see if I needed help. I told  him I was fascinated by the outstanding sales pitch on the cage. He told me that the tarantula, which is only a quarter-sized baby, bit him when it poked it to see if it was still alive (idiot). The bite on the tip of his finger left bruising that extended ALL THE WAY UP TO HIS ELBOW. FOR MONTHS! 

The "friendly" adult tarantula in the cage next door only cost $15 because he's not as pretty as this attack-ula apparently will be when he grows up. So basically they are waiting for the right person who doesn't mind risking life and limb owning an aggressive spider BECAUSE IT IS PRETTY. 

Can you imagine if it got out of its cage in your house? You could never sleep again. 

<shivers>

Need more stories about spiders? Here's a classic. 

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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Hammer Haiku

Today @lucysfootball and @lgalaviz, two twitter friends, starting sharing haiku about hammers. Why? I'm not sure. It's possible that they were trying to avoid doing something else (certainly that's not why *I* contributed). I'm not here to judge. But I can't pass up a chance to write haiku.


I've written haiku about pee before. Could hammers be that much harder?


Here's my first offering:


My hammer is quick. It beats your head in nicely. Pound pound pound pound pound.


It's about hammers AND violence. I'm pretty sure that's exactly how haiku is supposed to work. I'll keep you posted if I come up with any more. 


Last post: What the Whippet Ate


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Friday, November 25, 2011

A relaxing Thanksgiving night, or maybe not

Last night I stayed up far too late watching an episode of RoveLA on the internet. It featured Seth MacFarlane and Lauren Graham, two people I enjoy hearing speak, and Will.i.am, who doesn't seem to speak very well but who has oddly small teeth and is therefore intriguing to watch.

When I finally shut everything down and was turning off lights, I saw that a bizarrely huge roach (non-Floridians and sticklers call them palmetto bugs) was hanging out just above my front door. I swore and went off to find the tallest swatting object I could find. It was a thin catalog, and I could tell as I moved closer to Mr. Roach that I wasn't going to be able to reach him. He seemed particularly obsessed with trying to walk on my ceiling, which he eventually gave up for the chance to fly directly at my head. I squealed like a little kid, ducked, and then said out loud to no one, "I hate it when they do that!"

Then I hurried across the room to the wall where he landed. This time, with me jumping up in the air, I was able to hit him, but only in a way that knocked him off on to the bookcase, and then floor. I did my best Hulk smash but the bastard climbed up on the bottom shelf and ducked under some Princess magazines and library books.

I swore some more, quite colorfully, and tried to sort out what to do. I hated the idea of leaving him there to crawl out later, when he would most definitely find his way down the hall to crawl on my sleeping face. I wiggled some magazines around while poised to leap back if he should emerge, but he stayed in hiding. Smart little booger. So then I went and got some spider spray, which was the most conveniently available poison in the house. I did a quick spray under the edge of the magazine and then stepped back. I wondered whether mere spider spray would disturb a creature rumored to be capable of surviving a nuclear holocaust. The answer turned out to be a most wonderful "Yes." Roachzilla came racing out of the bookcase and across the floor, where I pummeled him excessively, finishing him off with a satisfying, "Take that, you asshole." He is now resting in pieces in the comfy confines of my trashcan.

And that's how I finished off my Thanksgiving.
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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Popcorn vs. Popcorn

This popcorn has officially pissed me off. You might think that popcorn is popcorn, but after this crappy store brand dared to market itself with the bold "Compare to Orville Redenbacher's," I discovered something different. While I can compare it all day long, it falls wayyyyy short. I didn't realize it was possible for freshly popped popcorn to taste so bad. And then I realized that, while it does suggest that we compare it to Orville Redenbacher's, it doesn't say that it compares FAVORABLY. That assumption was mine. So I thought I'd improve upon their labeling:



And then I went and got all mathy for you:


You're welcome. 

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hoebag!!

This email just made it past my spam filter and showed up in my inbox. I'm trying to decide what kind of advertising technique they are using by addressing me as "hoebag." Does this endear them to potential clients? Maybe they focus on shoppers with self esteem problems, the kind that spend their evenings catering to sloppy men in stained wife-beaters. "Hoebag" might even been a term of endearment for these women.

As for me, all I can do is wonder if that's really an acceptable spelling.


Gifts, discounts for you from Corderobauld
Inbox
X

Jenni Levine azeejen@aol.com via mx.aol.com to ...show details 3:40 AM (6 hours ago)

Hoebag !!
58%  !!! http://someURLI'mnotincludingherebecauseLordknowswhereitgoes.com



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Sunday, October 23, 2011

There are some tips you just don't need.


The other day I had nothing to read and I wanted to soak in a bath. Husband was going to the store, so I asked him to get me a trashy magazine like Cosmo. 

Husband: I got you a Cosmo like you asked.

Me: Great, thanks.

Husband: It has Nicki Minaj on the cover. I'm guessing it's filled with her sex tips. Let me know what they are.

Me: If they are Nicki Minaj's sex tips, I'm pretty sure you don't want to know them.

Husband: That's probably true.

After leafing through the issue, I've come to realize that I've outgrown Cosmo, and also that it's basically soft-core porn that you can buy in the grocery store.

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Thursday, October 20, 2011

It's that time again.

After taking a week off from my bladder treatments in order to go out of town for work, I returned to the doctor's office today. Therefore, I present my latest urine sample cup, which elicited a laugh-out-loud response from my nurse. I am not sure how I can top this one next week.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I'm always thinking about you guys.

While out of town recently, I stayed in a hotel full of Pentecostals going to a convention. They dressed up every day, making me often the only one in the lobby wearing jeans. One day they came back and many of them had fancy up-dos. This particular woman came in and sat down with what can only be described as a rat's nest with a bow in it, and I kid you not, a guy said, "Oh, I love your hair!" 

After I recovered from my astonishment, I immediately started calculating whether I could get a picture of this woman for this blog. I figured that any shutter sound would be my downfall, since these people were devoutly religious but not stupid technophobes. With some experimenting, I determined that if I turned the volume down on my phone, it did not click. Excellent!

So, I held my phone up and pretended to closely examine some phantom text. I took this picture and continued to look at it for another minute to mask any suspicions. There were none. So now I give you this:



You're welcome.

And now I'm going to Hell.

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Sunday, October 9, 2011

Sometimes all you need for your Sunday night entertainment...

...is to skim through the subject lines in your spam filter. Did you know I can get a penis hard enough to break an egg? (My husband recommends not pursuing that option.) I can also become the "sex magnet of my neighborhood." I vote no on this one because I've seen my neighbors and I don't want to attract any of them.

So I'm not buying anything, but I'm having a laugh while looking. Check your spam filter and tell me what your best subject line is!

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