Rule of the Day

If your skirt is shorter than your boots are long, you should not be walking through an elementary school.

Cup of the Week

On week 4 of my instillations, I didn't have anything really clever to say. Actually, I kind of did... I was going to say "Urine for a treat! I brought donuts. (They are not in this bathroom. You're welcome!)" but my nurse saw me come in with the donuts and she took them and put them in the break room so... PFFT. So here's this week's cup:

It says, "Urine for a treat (donuts) and a trick (you have to deal with my pee). Happy Halloween!"

I'm totally stumped for next week. I can't use any "yellow pee" jokes (I've had several good ones submitted) because most of the time, the medicine makes my urine various shades of blue (which is totally amusing in and of itself, actually). I can't think of any new ways to use "urine" cleverly. I need some serious inspiration for the last two weeks of treatment. Heaven help me if I'm one of those people who needs to do this all the time. I'm just not funny enough for that.

So, help me out here! Give me something to work with! 

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There are some tips you just don't need.

The other day I had nothing to read and I wanted to soak in a bath. Husband was going to the store, so I asked him to get me a trashy magazine like Cosmo. 

Husband: I got you a Cosmo like you asked.

Me: Great, thanks.

Husband: It has Nicki Minaj on the cover. I'm guessing it's filled with her sex tips. Let me know what they are.

Me: If they are Nicki Minaj's sex tips, I'm pretty sure you don't want to know them.

Husband: That's probably true.

After leafing through the issue, I've come to realize that I've outgrown Cosmo, and also that it's basically soft-core porn that you can buy in the grocery store.

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It's that time again.

After taking a week off from my bladder treatments in order to go out of town for work, I returned to the doctor's office today. Therefore, I present my latest urine sample cup, which elicited a laugh-out-loud response from my nurse. I am not sure how I can top this one next week.

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I'm always thinking about you guys.

While out of town recently, I stayed in a hotel full of Pentecostals going to a convention. They dressed up every day, making me often the only one in the lobby wearing jeans. One day they came back and many of them had fancy up-dos. This particular woman came in and sat down with what can only be described as a rat's nest with a bow in it, and I kid you not, a guy said, "Oh, I love your hair!" 

After I recovered from my astonishment, I immediately started calculating whether I could get a picture of this woman for this blog. I figured that any shutter sound would be my downfall, since these people were devoutly religious but not stupid technophobes. With some experimenting, I determined that if I turned the volume down on my phone, it did not click. Excellent!

So, I held my phone up and pretended to closely examine some phantom text. I took this picture and continued to look at it for another minute to mask any suspicions. There were none. So now I give you this:

You're welcome.

And now I'm going to Hell.

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Sometimes all you need for your Sunday night entertainment...

...is to skim through the subject lines in your spam filter. Did you know I can get a penis hard enough to break an egg? (My husband recommends not pursuing that option.) I can also become the "sex magnet of my neighborhood." I vote no on this one because I've seen my neighbors and I don't want to attract any of them.

So I'm not buying anything, but I'm having a laugh while looking. Check your spam filter and tell me what your best subject line is!

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The person that invented white baseball pants in small boys' sizes...

...was either the owner of Oxyclean or a total asshole.

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This week's crazy cup

I had something else in mind but this hit me in the car on the way there. You can only use "electric boogaloo" along with the number 2, so I pretty much HAD to use it this week. Next week I'm out of town, and then I'm back doing four more of these fun treatments. Keep sharing your ideas for amusing sayings to put on my urine sample cups!

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The best thing I've heard so far today...

..."Here's a free chicken biscuit with your nuggets, ma'am."

I love you, Chick-fil-a!

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I've got the willies

There are few things that make you wig out more* than standing in a pet store and choosing which is the best bag full of crickets to buy. I could TOTALLY feel them crawling all over me while I was trying to choose ones that were small enough to fit in our rescued House Gecko's mouth. We'll be releasing him into the wilds of our front porch before I have to buy another batch. Since I have already had to catch one escapee with my bare hands, I'm really not sorry about this.

*OK, there are definitely creepier things than this, but still. STILL.

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Things that are harder to do now than they used to be

#264 Getting up off the floor

Damn it.

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And so it begins

Last Thursday, I had my first "installation," during which a thankfully very nice nurse filled my bladder with various medicines to hopefully reduce the pain and other symptoms of Interstitial Cystitis. I'm not usually nervous about medical procedures but I've had a bad experience or two with a catheter so I was really sweating it. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad. I only got tears in my eyes once and levitated off the table twice, so really, it wasn't awful (clearly I have low standards in this regard).

Because I'm me, I like to write clever things or draw pictures on my urine sample cups. Having to come up with six weeks of clever is a bit challenging. Above is cup #1, written rather poorly because my hand was shaking. Suggestions are welcome!

Hopefully next time I'll be a little calmer.

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NONONONONONONO

This cat has learned something from two-year-olds.

Also... freaky.

NONONONO Cat - YouTube:

'via Blog this'

Photoshop help

Genius!

Photoshop help:

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