Today I had to unexpectedly explain a part of the facts of life to my seven-year-old son. We finished a doctor’s appointment and headed into the bathroom together before our long ride home. He finished before I did and washed his hands while I was still in a stall. The conversation went something like this:
Boy: Hey, I want some candy! Give me a quarter.
Me: Where are you going to get candy from?
Boy: This machine!
Me: That’s not a candy machine.
Boy: What kind of machine is it then?
Me: It’s a machine for mommies.
Boy: What for?
Me: It’s just stuff mommies sometimes need.
Boy: Well give me a quarter anyway; I want to see what it is.
Me: [Hurrying the hell up] No.
Boy: What is it then?
Me: [Silent GRRRR] Well, it’s something mommies, I mean, women really, use because once a month blood comes out and they need something to keep their underwear from getting dirty.
Me: Well… um… well, you see… when women have babies, they need a lot of extra blood, you know, for the babies. And if a woman isn’t pregnant, each month all the blood a woman would use for a baby just comes out. It just happens every month. It’s no big deal.
Boy: Does this happen to you?
Me: Yes. It’s really not a big deal.
Boy: Will this happen to my sister someday too?
Me: Yes. But it’s best that we don’t tell her about it right now. She’s too little to understand. It might make her scared, you know? So let’s not talk about this with her [or anyone else on the planet canwebedonewiththisnow???].
Boy: I want to go press the elevator button with my elbow so that I don’t get my clean hands dirty.
Me: Good idea! You go do that.
Feel free to copy my awesome parenting skills to educate your own children about the wonders of womanhood.
(Not a candy machine. ----------------------------->)