Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Welcome to the Breastaissance Festival

There’s something about the opportunity to wear a costume that makes at least 50% of America’s women want to dress like whores. Attempted sexy is often the costume of the day whenever it’s an option. Many women (and some men) enjoyed our local Renaissance Festival in costume, and that rule definitely applied.

The problem with this is that a full 75%* of the women who jump at a chance to dress in what they believe to be sexy clothing apparently don’t own a mirror or have no ability to adequately judge what they look like. Therefore, some parts of the Renaissance Festival were more awkward/gross/embarrassing/hilarious than we expected.

About 95% of the “sexy” costumes showcased the wearer’s breasts. Since breasts are quite malleable, their owners took every opportunity to squeeze them together and push them up and on display (without showing off their nipples, because that small bit of flesh pushes “sexy” into “illegal”). But the poor women without mirrors (or taste) were apparently unaware that you can squish and push and still wind up with a lot of wrong. Let my piss poor drawings help explain:

Quad Boob

Women demonstrating the quad boob phenomenon don’t actually possess four breasts. They do have more breasts than their dress is designed for, though. So their flesh bulges everywhere except where the neckline cuts in. This looks uncomfortable and rather alienesque. I can’t imagine that anyone interested in women finds this sexually intriguing. Although there are many things in life I don’t know; this could be one of them.

Shelf Boob

The women with shelf boob syndrome are trying to make mountains out of mole hills. They push those moldable boobs up to face the world but they aren’t leaving enough in the dress to fill it out. This creates truly weird profile. Honestly, are people fooled by this? Are there really folks who are so “Ohhhh, look at her boobs!” that they can’t see that without that dress on, she’s not going to look like that? And that’s a good thing, because who wants breasts with flat bottoms?

Non-boob Errors

Not all the costumes showcased breasts. There were a lot of fairies, which I didn’t really understand. OF COURSE the fairies wore skintight clothes along with their wings. Although one of them had these completely ridiculous furry neon green leg warmers which I simply could not fit into the Renaissance theme. Unfortunately for her, the grounds were very dirty, and the creatures she was wearing on her legs were going to need baths when she got home. I actually thought she pretty much deserved that.

The final completely confounding costume was one I just couldn’t draw for you. It involved a bikini top that was covered in these swinging shimmery silver confetti-looking things. I can’t AT ALL reconcile this with “Renaissance.” I also can’t understand how this girl’s parents let her go out like that because she looked like she was maybe 14. You know, she probably told them she was going to the Renaissance Festival, left the house in jeans, got in a friend’s car, and changed into that train wreck on the way there. Teenagers will go to great lengths to look like idiots. Although there’s a strong chance that her mom was a quad-boober, and so this girl might just be doomed.

In summary, if you want to go somewhere in costume and you feel the need to sex it up a bit, take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Does this outfit do for me what I want it to?” If you can’t decide (or think, “Hell yes, I look mega-hot!”), ask a friend for her honest evaluation. And make sure that friend is not a teenager.

*Percentages add legitimacy to otherwise bullshit posts.


  1. That is fanTASTic. The one thing I disagree with, is that ren women don't have mirrors to see how bad they look. I think they think they really do look hot, by the way in which they strut around, boobs flying high.

  2. You know, they probably HAVE mirrors, they just have a distorted perception of how they look in them. :)This sounds rude, and I don't want to encourage unhealthy body image perceptions or anything, so I guess my real point is WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR BOOBS AT A RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL NO MATTER HOW THEY LOOK. I mean, I'm right, right?

  3. Quad and shelf boob. Now I have names. Thank you. This is the only new thing I have learned today, and it is fantastic.

  4. I take my job as educator very seriously. So glad to be of service. :)

  5. I don't know where you live. We live in New York. It's a pretty common sight here. It's not shocking when I see a woman with boobs sticking out of her neckline and it's not shocking to see that she ALSO has boobs sticking out of her back not unlike one of the pictures you posted a while ago. How weird. I wouldn't want two pairs of them, least of all on my back (what're they doing back there?) but then again, I'm weird so.......... Oh I've seen people with one REALLY big boob jutting out between their pants and their second skin shirts too. What an anomaly.

  6. I'm in Florida. It takes ALL KINDS. :)

  7. You missed talking about the belly dancers :)
    As far a the boobs on display... some corsets are designed to prop them up and put them on display (what the quad boob people are going for, but have bought a size or two too small). The other type of corset kind of mashes you down similar to a sports bra (works best for those with minimum natural cleavage)). Women should only buy corset from places that know how they should look and how to fit you in them. Also, it is extremely to dress yourself into a corset properly (and unfortunately most women only have their significant other at home to help them dress, and they are usually pretty clueless). So, for a woman to show up at a fair with quad boob it has generally taken 3 people with poor judgement to get her there: the salesperson, the wearer, and the person that bound her in it that day.
    -Melissa C