Sunday, October 27, 2013

I'm pretty sure I can tell them apart

I just found this in my facebook timeline. Not as a joke... this was a legitimate posting and a for-real response.



































You know, I can't even gripe about the run-on sentence here. It's just too much.
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Friday, October 18, 2013

Happy Friday!


Have a GREAT weekend!

(Someone is really enjoying my new computer.)
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Sunday, October 6, 2013

You can't unsee this

My new computer came with this camera app that my daughter is thoroughly enjoying. My family has gotten a lot of laughs out of it, which probably says something about our intellect (or lack thereof). She took this one on her own and left it for me to see.

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Friday, September 6, 2013

This kitty is not amused


Thanks, Kelly Wilson, for sharing this awesome photo!



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Thursday, September 5, 2013

I love being raked #1



This is totally where I should have sent my kids to preschool. Right? Raking is such an important skill....

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Thursday, August 29, 2013

Oh Google...




Oh Google. You know me too well. 


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Sunday, July 28, 2013

Remember how yesterday I did a dumb thing and there were no consequences?

It was miraculous, really. I'm ALWAYS having some weird crap happen to me that generally results in a jammed finger that's still sore after two months, or a rolled ankle with swelling that never goes down, or something broken I can't afford to replace, or something broken that I HAVE to somehow afford to replace, and so on. So when I accidentally threw my cell phone across the yard yesterday and it didn't break, I figured it was a freak of nature. A rare break from the world of negative consequences.

And then today, I sliced my finger open, causing blood to run everywhere. My husband had to help me with the whole peroxide/neosporin/band-aid thing because it's hard to fix up your dominate hand while it's oozing blood everywhere. 

How did I do it? Was I chopping veggies? (HAHAHAHAHA!) Training a toothy dog? Sword fighting a ninja ant? 

No. I was throwing away trash. That's right. Just compacting a little crap so that there would be room for more crap.

So, as you see, there are always consequences to doing dumb things. They might occur 24 hours later and seem unrelated, but they happen. They happen.


The horror.

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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Can you figure out what I did here?

It's rare when I do a dumb thing and it doesn't result in injury or hundreds of dollars worth of repairs. Honestly, I think the only reason the phone still works is that Husband just put out fluffy new mulch. 

After watching this, you will probably wonder how this even happened. Just keep in mind that I was recording my own video while holding a clicker and the reward ball.

Enjoy!


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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

YO!

My daughter is the sweetest/most innocent looking creature you've ever seen. Long blond hair, big blue eyes, a sprinkle of freckles across her nose... plus she's six-and-a-half- (that all-important HALF) years old and doesn't even weigh 40 pounds yet. She's a tiny little angel... an angel that has recently adopted some kind of street-speak.

It started the other day, when she came home to taunt her brother for not going to the grocery story with her.

The Girl: I got a DONUT at the grocery store. A DONUT! You would have gotten one too if you had come with us, but you didn't!

The Boy: Well, I had a donut earlier in the day. So THERE!

To which, my little angel replied, quite triumphantly:

Well, I had one earlier in the day too, which means I had TWO donuts today. BOOM!

Boom?!

We all had a good laugh over that, which encouraged her to repeat BOOM! in various ways that were significantly less funny.

Later, I shouted for her to go to brush her teeth. I was washing her thermos at the sink and she was, I thought, in the next room watching TV. In fact, she was passing through the room I was in, and she therefore scream/screeched something that was probably "I *AM* GOING TO BRUSH MY TEETH!" but, in fact, sounded like a combination of nails on a chalkboard and someone strangling a chicken.

Husband: Wow. That was really not very nice. You shouldn't shout at your mom that way.

The Girl: Hey! She shouts at me, I shout at her, yo!

This was, quite possibly, the funniest thing I have ever heard. Done in perfect street slang accent, it was simply hilarious. Of course, we burst out laughing, thereby cementing "Yo" as part of our street-talking-six-year-old's lingo.

I wonder if this will work for me too, yo?

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Monday, July 1, 2013

Times, They Are a Changin'

Today in Target, The Girl, who is six, saw a display of cameras that you can use underwater. And then she said this:

"Look, Mom! Phones you can use to take pictures underwater!"

Generation gap, much?

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Monday, May 20, 2013

Switched at Birth?

A conversation with The Boy:

Me (to The Boy, after unpacking his lunchbox): You know, I think you might not be my son. Maybe you were switched at birth at the hospital with someone else's baby.

Boy (with a slightly anxious smile on his face): What? Why?

Me: Because I just opened your lunchbox and found that you didn't eat the chocolate I sent you. No kid of mine would ever leave behind chocolate.

Boy: There was no chocolate in my lunchbox!

Me: Yes there was. I packed you a dark chocolate Hershey's Kiss. 

Boy: Where? Show me!

Me (walking him to his lunchbox): See? Right here.

Boy: OH! Well, I didn't see it. But I'll know it's there tomorrow!

Me: Hmm. I guess you might be my son after all!

:)




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Saturday, February 23, 2013

The party scene


The scene in my bathtub looks like the aftermath of some wild party. Except the mermaid. I can't really explain that one. Maybe she'll be gone before the rest of them wake up....


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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

This crap practically writes itself


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Monday, February 11, 2013

I guarantee that this has never happened to you


Today I took The Girl to the Lowry Park Zoo, which, in my childhood, was one of those concrete and cages kind of places, but is now a really amazing, animal-friendly zoo. We have had passes for the past year but I just now, a few weeks before the expiration date, realized that I could take The Girl there on Mondays for a few hours when school gets out an hour early (budget cuts, you know). By taking her there on Mondays, we avoid bringing along The Boy, who considers zoos and amusement parks to be circles of Hell. Too bad I didn't think of this sooner.

This week, she wanted to see the stingrays before getting her roller coaster on. That was fine with me, since I enjoy all the water animals. The Girl was excited to touch the stingrays and (I thought) wanted to feed them. Stingrays in petting areas like this are debarbed and therefore "not dangerous." Allegedly.

The place was pretty much deserted, which, in retrospect, probably meant that the stingrays were extra hungry. We bought a serving of food, which was $5 for a sardine and two shrimps (ridiculous). There was also a shrimp tail which, also in retrospect, probably was not intentionally included.

I've fed stingrays before but still listened to the spiel about putting my hand flat on the bottom with the food sticking out between two fingers (which, also ALSO in retrospect, is hard to do when 10 hungry stingrays are swimming at you faster than you can get your hand flat on said bottom). I took The Girl over to the stingray pool. I showed her how to hold the sardine, which I tore in half per instructions (yummy). I hoisted her up (she's short) and she tried to feed the swarm of rays, but she let go of the sardine early and squealed. The majority of the unfed rays registered their disapproval about the whole situation by splashing The Girl, whose face was pretty close to the water. She got really wet, which she took in stride, give or take.

After we shook ourselves dry, I proceeded to show The Girl how there was nothing to be afraid of when feeding stingrays (except for getting wet, of course). I decided to use the tail piece so that The Girl would still have several more pieces of food left. I hurried to get my hand into the position on the bottom of the pool. And in about .25 seconds, a greedy ray was hovering over my hand, trying to sort out the difference between this weenie piece of shrimp tail and the skin on my knuckles. He failed. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pinch and I jumped a bit but kept the shrieks and swear words in so as to continue to assure The Girl that stingray feeding is awesomely safe and oodles of fun. I looked at the women nearby and said quietly, "That thing just BIT me!" I looked at my finger and saw blood bubbling up. "And it DREW BLOOD!" I said, a bit more loudly. I was really surprised, but again, I tried to keep it on the down low.

I knew it was ultimately my fault for trying to feed that little piece of shrimp tail so that I could maximize that $5 spent (not even by me... my mom paid). Of course, it WAS in with the food and no one told me not to feed it, but, you know. I knew it was probably not a great idea. In my own defense, though, I have fed lots of stingrays and I've torn shrimp into many illegal pieces before with no problems. I just didn't factor in the hunger level on a slow food day. Plus, I knew that stingrays don't have real teeth, just plates for grinding. I didn't ever expect them to be capable of nipping.

We carefully fed the rest of the rays, with me putting my hand on top of The Girl's once to make sure she would be safe. The rest of the time, she had me seek out the "little, cute ones" to feed while a big ray (maybe two feet across?) parked himself in front of me with his eyes out of the water, giving me a rather sinister look. The whole lot of them splashed us several more times, getting water even in our mouths (hope they clean that pool a lot!). When done, we headed over to the hand-washing station and washed a lot more than our hands.

And that's how I came to be the only person you know who was bitten by a stingray today.

Yes, that's a diamond made into a stingray. It's been far too long since I've dazzled you with my artistic skill. You're welcome.



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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I know my spider hate has been well established, but....

I know my spider hate has been well established here on this blog but I just came across this video, and it's too good not to share, even if the leading man is a creepy spider. Enjoy! (And make sure your volume's up!)

http://www.wimp.com/hidespider/


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Monday, December 31, 2012

A movie review on a humor blog?


[Spoiler Alert: People die in this movie. If you don’t already know who and don’t want to know, you should read something else. Or just go right now and see the movie. I’ll wait.]


I know, a movie review on a humor blog? It doesn't make sense, but it’s my blog so spltttt (that’s how you spell a raspberry sound; look it up if don’t believe me).

The first time I went to see Les Miserables was on a high school date. I had no interest whatsoever in some musical about French poor people. But I walked out of the theater mesmerized. I soon had a pirated copy of the soundtrack ON CASSETTE TAPE (shut up) and then later went legit and bought it on CD. While other teenagers’ parents were banging on their bedroom door telling them to “Turn that awful music down,” my parents were doing the same… it’s just that I was listening to Les Miz, not Ozzy Osbourne.

I saw the musical two more times before I was out of college. I've sang “On My Own” so many times, I could probably sing it backward (I even sang it in a college musical audition – forward – although it didn't land me a part). My dream was to someday play Eponine somewhere, somehow.

In the middle of this Les Miz love, I met Terrence Mann, who played Javert when Les Miz opened on Broadway. He was kind to a bunch of starstruck theater students, endured giggling girls, and made us all feel important. So my Les Miz love was further strengthened.

I can’t say I can sing every note of every song. There were songs I didn’t love, and I tended to skip around to play the ones I could have played a part in (factory worker, prostitute, dying mother, lovestruck girl, dying lovestruck girl…). I don’t own any of the anniversary DVDs, but I have seen the performances in part on TV.
So now you know what kind of fan sat in the audience of the movie tonight.

First off, let me tell you all with great pride that I DID NOT HAVE TO LEAVE THE MOVIE TO PEE. NOT ONCE! Three hours from previews until I applauded at the end and I didn’t miss a note. I’d like to take a moment to thank my doctor and my physical therapist for this accomplishment.

Moving on.

The movie. Looks. Amazing.

So much of my memory of the story was confined to the revolving stage of the late 80s and early 90s. I felt like, with the film, my view was broadened, like someone opened the curtains and let the light in. THIS was what was going on on the other side of the barricade? WOW!

From the first song, I was a bit bothered to realize that the critics were right about one thing: Russell Crowe’s singing voice was not up to par. His acting was good, but his voice, for me, was a distraction. Russell Crowe does not equal Terrence Mann. Not even close. And that’s too bad.

But, otherwise, the actors did not disappoint. Amanda Seyfried, her light, quivering voice was perfect for Cosette. If I had to listen to an album of her singing like that, I might have to poke myself in the eyeball with a fork, but for this film, it worked just fine. There were spots in which I didn't love the timber of Hugh Jackman's voice but really, he did very well. Ann Hathaway… you know, I was ready to dislike her casting because I thought of Fantine as being a bit older, but damn. That woman CAN SING. Holy crap, y’all! Two notes into “I Dreamed a Dream” and I was crying into the napkin I brought from Red Robin for just such an emergency. Her performance was far more riveting than any other of Fantine I have witnessed on CD, TV, or stage.

In the movie medium, everything is so close up. I never saw Fantine’s face before as she drifted through her memories of what she thought her life would be like before everything crashed and burned. But the close ups, they would either make it or break it, and with Ann, she made it up one side and down the other. Beautiful.

The close-up perspective helped me understand the characters in ways I didn’t before. They also made parts of the movie more upsetting. The dramatic deaths of the Revolution soldiers, man. While watching the musical, anyone who sang their way through their death got some tears out of me, but the other deaths, while sad, weren’t as moving (for me). Not so in the film. Seeing the faces of the fallen and their comrades was really upsetting. Gavroche, oh my gosh! Horrible.

I felt like some of the death scenes could have done with a little less drama (do I really NEED to hear a sickening crunch when someone falls to their death?) When an important character dies, I shouldn’t wince and say, “Gross!” But mostly, the close-up views gave me another interesting way to experience the story.

The Thénardiers, well, they were never my favorite part of the musical, but I feel like they were a bit over done in the movie. The characters were believable in the fantasy of theater, but less so under the microscope of film. Plus, what was with Madame Thénardier’s sunglasses in her last scene? Did they even HAVE sunglasses back then? And, if so, were they little John Lennon glasses? DID NOT LIKE.

I read before going in to the movie that Colm Wilkinson, the original Jean Valjean, and Frances Ruffelle, the original Eponine, had parts in the film. I loved spotting Wilkinson, and I was excited to hear that he can still sing. It was weird seeing him acting with Hugh Jackman in Wilkinson’s former role. I was not able to recognize Ruffelle, whom I think sings like an angel, although the credits listed her as “Whore #1.” I hope that was her choice of role, because otherwise I think that may have been a diss.

My husband, who hates musicals and didn’t know much about Les Miz, found the movie to be fairly OK. But since he doesn’t like “that kind of singing,” he likened the movie to going to a concert when you don’t like the genre of music being performed. “But the story was good,” he says. He just would have preferred it to be all story. Which is kind of hard for, you know, a musical.

If you saw the musical and you didn’t like it, you’re not going to love this film. If you loved the musical, however, I think you won’t be disappointed. I think you’ll see aspects of the story you may have missed in the past. And if you never saw it before, you should go, watch, and make up your own mind. Oh, and bring some tissues.


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Friday, December 7, 2012

This is exactly the kind of thing that happens to me

Yesterday I went to my GP for my annual check up. After the exam, he recommended getting a Tetanus shot. He thought my current Tetanus vaccination plan ("get a Tetanus shot whenever I do the kind of bodily harm that exposes me to Tetanus") was not ideal, and he said the new Tetanus shot also protects people against Whooping Cough. I'm not too interested in whooping so I agreed to it. I declined the flu shot, though, because I got it in Walgreen's back in September. 

The doctor left and the nurse came in and gave me the shot first. Then she needed blood for some annual tests. She started on my left arm (the shot went in the right arm, so I guess she was balancing me out). She got about half a vial and that was it. She tried a bit more and then said she needed to swap arms. Super.

So I offered my already vaccinated arm for the cause, and she eventually got enough blood out, although not without having several equipment malfunctions that drew out the process. My arms both sport some magnificent bruising today. The shot below, taken yesterday, does not show the full glory of the colors.



I checked out and went to the bathroom (of course). I started to look over my receipt. And then I saw it. "Flu vaccine."

What?

I think I did some swearing in the bathroom, and then I went back to the check-out desk.

"Excuse me. I think I was just given the wrong shot."

The receptionist's eyes got big as she listened to my explanation. She took my paperwork and was gone for a really long time.

Fortunately, the doctor had the nerve to admit his mistake. He apologized and took full responsibility for writing down the wrong thing, which I have to give him credit for. Then he said, "So, the Tetanus shot's still on the table...."

So I sat down, offered the other arm, and sucked it up.

Now I'm extra awesomely protected against the flu and I have sore rainbow arms too. Lucky me!

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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Puppy Love!

We have a new puppy at our house. It's upped the insanity quotient by at least 50%. (Don't argue with my math.) Yesterday, Husband and I had this conversation:

Me (cuddling with the puppy): Ahh, puppy breath.

Husband: Ugh, it's awful!

Me: WHAT?! Everyone loves puppy breath!

Husband: No way, it smells like burnt... something. Something burnt.

Me: It smells like puppy breath! Every puppy's breath smells like that. 

Husband: No way. It smells burnt.

Me: THIS IS HOW PUPPY BREATH SMELLS AND PEOPLE LOVE IT. I don't know why it smells this way but it always does!

Husband: Whatever. I know burnt when I smell it.

Me: @#$%!

Ahhh, puppy love!



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Monday, November 26, 2012

A creative mess


Doesn't it look like a little boy just melted into the floor right here? School today must have been hard. It left The Boy in a puddle!

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Sunday, November 25, 2012

She's been gone forever and her first post back is this one?

Chick-fil-a has their yearly cow-themed calendar out and I can't believe that no marketing genius has decided to call it a "cowlendar." I mean, seriously, how could they miss out on that?


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Friday, September 21, 2012

Philosophizing

Sometimes the question is not "Am I going to step in poop?" but instead "How much poop am I going to step in?" 

This is both a life philosophy AND an accurate statement about walking in my backyard.



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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Maybe this will save my TV

The Girl is currently doing rhythmic gymnastics with the "ribbon" I made for her from a pencil, a long piece of yarn, and some tape. This sounds really creative on my part but really, I came up with the ribbon idea during the Olympics when her attempts at doing rhythmic gymnastics with a hula hoop nearly wrecked everything I own. Necessity is the mother of invention, right?

Her first routine was to Call Me Maybe.  I gave it an 8 out of 10.


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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Young, Armstrong, what's the difference

I discovered this in my facebook news feed and found it so amusing that I was inspired to learn to take a screenshot (thank you, Google). Can you spot the error in this article preview?


I suppose it would have been nice if my comment started with "I'm so sorry to hear this," and DIDN'T end with "LOL," because LOL and death are probably best served separately. My apologies.

NBCnews.com corrected the problem apparently within a few minutes, after this fellow posted in the comments:


Astronaut Neil Young, first man to walk on moon, dies at age 82
Neil Young? Really? Holy crap, get the mans name right you idiots.


I'm not even going to be picky about the missing apostrophe, because I'm sure the sheer ridiculousness of that mistake shocked the proper punctuation right out of him.

The site then added this "non-apology" note to the beginning of the article:

 (Editor's note: An earlier version of this story included the wrong name in the headline.)

Well done. Or not. Something like that. At any rate, rest in peace, Mr. Armstrong. 

Play on, Mr. Young.

If you want to read the full article, you can find it here.


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Friday, August 17, 2012

I spent about 20 minutes tonight doing this*

Since we live in a one-story house, we had to get creative with our stairs. This was our most impressive creation. Sometime I'll show all the outtakes it took to get this one. One near-perfect go-round was marred by an unpleasant word (thank you, Tourette's Syndrome), and another perfect run was foiled by an overly excited child who walked in front of the camera, blocking the view.


The slinky is courtesy of a trip to Chuck E. Cheese, where The Boy managed to spend his bazillion tickets on something that was actually fun and didn't break after the first use. For a change.

*Actually that "I" should be "we," since I certainly wouldn't have pursued this entertaining project without the two small people who inhabit my home. Thank goodness their presence reminded me how fun a slinky can be, even when they were fighting over it!

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