Quote of the day #2

Husband, while coaching his first preschool basketball game, played by three-and-four-year-olds who had never done anything like this before:

"OH MY GOSH, this is like herding cats!"

Quote of the day #1

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It's not even 9am...

...and I've already heard what will surely be the quote of the day:

"There are no time-outs in butt-touching!"

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This is one of the funniest things I've read on the internet in a long time

I've got tears running down my face and my stomach is all knotted up weird. Totally awesome!

And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles. — TheBloggess.com

When dogs attack... sprinklers!

I used to have a dog that went ape nuts over the sprinkler and hose. I think I need to get a new sprinkler and see if Mr. Beagle or Spark the Papillon would enjoy it. The Whippet thinks water is ridiculous, but you never know, the other two might be game.

Oh, wait. I just remembered that Mr. Beagle won't even walk across my back porch when it is damp, and he treats puddles like acid. So, you know, maybe not.

Dogs Vs. Sprinklers: Pics, Videos, Links, News

There's not room for two of us

One of the lifeguards at my Y is named "Brenna." I'm working on getting her fired because I'm the only "Brenna" I know and I'd like to keep it that way.

(Of course-------------------------------------->)

This is really disturbing

I honestly don't understand some people. But I guess you can dance to it.

YouTube - I Am Your Grandma


Read Parental Non Sequitur

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Parental Non Sequitur

"This is my second-to-last song so please leave the blinds alone."

I swear it made sense in context.


(New Paramore song---------->)

Every child everywhere asks this at some point

The Girl: When is kid's day? You know, when kids get a bunch of gifts. Maybe like Kid's Week....

Me [laughing like crazy]: I'm going to tell you what my parents told me when I asked this question when I was a kid: every day is kid's day.

The Girl: Nuh-uh!

Me: Yes, plus you have birthdays and Easter and Christmas....

My mom: Also, I buy you stuff all the time just because.

Me: Yeah. Exactly.


The Girl had no counter argument.  This time.


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Not an iPhone

I just realized that when I email from my phone, you can't tell that I'm emailing from my phone. There's no "Sent from my Samsung Intercept" mention at the bottom of my messages. Without that, how are people supposed to know that I'm so dedicated to my work that I email back from Chick-Fil-A's play area?

My phone is so humble.

Too close for comfort

I think I would have had to take the baby and leave after I realized that the Lioness's wide-open mouth could easily swallow up this kid's head. Freaky.

YouTube - Lioness tries to eat baby at the zoo.

N

The Girl has been looking at this lift-the-flap book that has all the states and their capitals in pretty colored pictures. She's had Husband and me read it to her a time or two.

Recently, Husband opened the book and asked The Girl, "What's the capital of Nebraska?" Without missing a beat, The Girl replied, "N."

She might have a future as a comedian. Also, she totally doesn't get that book.

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Enjoy

The Girl just wrote her ABCs out on a piece of paper as part of the "homework" my mom gave her. (The Girl's been out of school two weeks and is missing it, I think. She's the complete opposite of her older brother.)

When the assignment was complete, she walked into the room and handed me her piece of paper. As she was walking away she said, over her shoulder, "Here, I'm done. Enjoy!"

Hmm. I guess I will. And you can too.

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This is why I love the Internet

I've been lamenting the fact that my healthy oatmeal cookie recipe is better before baking, particularly since the kids love the dough but won't even eat the cookies. I started wondering about whether I could just make the dough sans egg and forget baking it altogether. So I googled the idea and behold:

Cookie Dough That's Safe to Eat ~ Cupcake Project

Obviously, my idea wasn't original, but that's totally OK because I'm eating my healthy oatmeal cookie dough right now and it's delicious.

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It takes all kinds...

I know a thing or two (or 100) about fandoms, but this one really surprised me. I was originally going to just make some serious fun of it (it's so easy), but really, who needs that? I don't understand these guys' fascination for this show but you know what? I'm glad they're having fun. Maybe I'll sit down with The Girl and see what it's all about.

(Probably not, though.)

My Little Pony Corrals Unlikely Fanboys Known as ‘Bronies’ | Underwire | Wired.com

A loving goodnight

On his way to bed last night, The Boy shouted "goodnight" to his sister.

Boy: Goodnight, Butt Butt!


Girl: Goodnight, Poop Diarrhea!

We're the freakin' Waltons, I'm telling you.

Some people have a very high opinion of themselves

I love it when people say, "I'd tap that," in regards to someone who is good looking or famous. As if "that" would ever have anything to do with them. Honestly.

My brain is old

I suck, suck, suck at these games. I was feeling really good about myself during my second try but I only came in 10 years younger, which was still older than my actual age.

I'm going to blame it on being tired. What's your excuse?

Free Brain Age Games

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You have to watch these elephant babies bathe (NOW WITH MORE BATHING!)

You know you are looking for some work distractions this morning. Check out these adorable elephant babies! I particularly like how the little one falls back into the pool. So awesome! Read the info too; it's interesting that the pools only last for five baths. I guess that makes sense when you are talking about 2000 pounds of elephant rolling around in something inflatable.

Edited to add: Found this one of the older elephant in the above video on his first ever experience with a pool. He's only two weeks old in this video, which should make mothers everywhere cringe in horror. But he's adorable!

(How about this for the perfect ad to go with this post? HA!------------->)

The beach has nothing on her

On Sunday, I walked a tired, whiny four-year-old down to the beach during our weekend vacation while listening to her complain about wanting to go back to the hotel room. I knew that she didn’t really want to go back to the room. She was mimicking her brother, who had just spent the last 20 minutes trying to get me to take him back there. (Please don’t think I tortured my children with endless beach. It was only 10am. The Boy had a thirty minute period in which he could not convince anyone to do exactly what he wanted to do, and that made him grouchy.) He had finally given up and went back to having fun and then she started in as we walked down the ramp to the beach. Here’s a part of the conversation, minus a good chunk of the whine:

Girl: I want to go back to the room. I want to go back to the room. I want to go back to the room!

Me: Oh, come on. We’re at the beach! Look around. It’s beautiful!

Girl [With her most scrunched-up nose and furious eyes]: There is NOTHING beautiful around here except ME!

Me:

Me: Wow.

And then we went to play in the sand. 

Princesses are so versatile

This appears to be a collection of princesses and a horse having a polite conversation. Instead, these are Mario characters about to battle Bowser to save Princess Daisy. Apparently.

Have you read Circles and Circles and Circles Again?

Circles and circles and circles again*

Me: Boy, you're finished with your cookie already. Would you like another one?

Boy (while playing the Wii): No.

Me: So are you full then?

Boy: No. I need more to eat.

Me: Well, what do you want then? There isn't much time before bed. Do you want goldfish or something?

Boy: No, I want a cookie.

Me: DUDE! How did this conversation start?

Boy: I don't know.

Me: WITH ME ASKING YOU IF YOU WANTED A COOKIE! Then you said "no," and I asked you want you wanted instead, and now we're back here again! Do you really want a cookie?

Boy: YES I want a cookie!

Me: [Sigh] Fine.

*50 awesome points to the first person who can tell me what obscure song that's from.


 (Is this really free? Wild!------------------->)

Welcome to the Breastaissance Festival

There’s something about the opportunity to wear a costume that makes at least 50% of America’s women want to dress like whores. Attempted sexy is often the costume of the day whenever it’s an option. Many women (and some men) enjoyed our local Renaissance Festival in costume, and that rule definitely applied.

The problem with this is that a full 75%* of the women who jump at a chance to dress in what they believe to be sexy clothing apparently don’t own a mirror or have no ability to adequately judge what they look like. Therefore, some parts of the Renaissance Festival were more awkward/gross/embarrassing/hilarious than we expected.

About 95% of the “sexy” costumes showcased the wearer’s breasts. Since breasts are quite malleable, their owners took every opportunity to squeeze them together and push them up and on display (without showing off their nipples, because that small bit of flesh pushes “sexy” into “illegal”). But the poor women without mirrors (or taste) were apparently unaware that you can squish and push and still wind up with a lot of wrong. Let my piss poor drawings help explain:

Quad Boob

Women demonstrating the quad boob phenomenon don’t actually possess four breasts. They do have more breasts than their dress is designed for, though. So their flesh bulges everywhere except where the neckline cuts in. This looks uncomfortable and rather alienesque. I can’t imagine that anyone interested in women finds this sexually intriguing. Although there are many things in life I don’t know; this could be one of them.

Shelf Boob

The women with shelf boob syndrome are trying to make mountains out of mole hills. They push those moldable boobs up to face the world but they aren’t leaving enough in the dress to fill it out. This creates truly weird profile. Honestly, are people fooled by this? Are there really folks who are so “Ohhhh, look at her boobs!” that they can’t see that without that dress on, she’s not going to look like that? And that’s a good thing, because who wants breasts with flat bottoms?

Non-boob Errors

Not all the costumes showcased breasts. There were a lot of fairies, which I didn’t really understand. OF COURSE the fairies wore skintight clothes along with their wings. Although one of them had these completely ridiculous furry neon green leg warmers which I simply could not fit into the Renaissance theme. Unfortunately for her, the grounds were very dirty, and the creatures she was wearing on her legs were going to need baths when she got home. I actually thought she pretty much deserved that.

The final completely confounding costume was one I just couldn’t draw for you. It involved a bikini top that was covered in these swinging shimmery silver confetti-looking things. I can’t AT ALL reconcile this with “Renaissance.” I also can’t understand how this girl’s parents let her go out like that because she looked like she was maybe 14. You know, she probably told them she was going to the Renaissance Festival, left the house in jeans, got in a friend’s car, and changed into that train wreck on the way there. Teenagers will go to great lengths to look like idiots. Although there’s a strong chance that her mom was a quad-boober, and so this girl might just be doomed.

In summary, if you want to go somewhere in costume and you feel the need to sex it up a bit, take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Does this outfit do for me what I want it to?” If you can’t decide (or think, “Hell yes, I look mega-hot!”), ask a friend for her honest evaluation. And make sure that friend is not a teenager.

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More boobs

*Percentages add legitimacy to otherwise bullshit posts.

No stink is good stink

Last night I spent a half an hour completing the paperwork required for my appointment today with a urogynecologist, a specialty that I didn't even know existed a few months ago. Ignorance is bliss. Anyway, the survey included many questions that made me think.  This is one of them:

"Do you usually lose gas from the rectum beyond your control? If so, how much does this bother you?"*

After reading this, I realize that I've been doing this fart thing all wrong. I'm supposed to have complete control over this? I had no idea that others could hold gas in indefinitely and expel it only when desired. (Is it ever desired?) If that's the case, then hell yeah, it bothers me! I too want supreme gas control! It also upsets me that the rest of the world apparently can retain their gas AND YET THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO SO, soiling my nostrils with their stench on elevators, in crowded hallways, and so on. HOW RUDE!

I'm going to need to discuss this with Husband right away. Because clearly he's been lying to me with his "I can't help it!" stories. My whole marriage has been built on lies. LIES!

I wonder if there is a medication for this? I'm going to get some right away, and share it with my loved ones. Because no stink is good stink.

Read more about horrid urological things here and here.

*Yes, I realize what they really meant by this question. But that's no fun.

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Dorky

Girl: Look, it's Snow White and her dorks.

Me: You mean "dwarves."

Girl: I call them "dorks."

Me: Fair enough.

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How am I still sane?

Today is an "early release day" at my son's school, which means he gets out at noon. School regulations indicate that children be served lunch every day, even when they leave at lunchtime. Since he buys his lunch at school, The Boy eats a full hot meal every day. But today we are meeting a friend of The Boy's for lunch and playtime, so I suggested that he bring just a snack to eat at lunchtime so he can still enjoy some chicken nuggets with the rest of us. We first discussed it last night:

Me: Would you like to bring just a snack for lunch tomorrow so that we can all sit and eat together at the restaurant after I pick you up? 


Boy: Oh yeah, yeah, that sounds good.


Me: OK, I'll just pack you something little then.

In the morning before school, we discussed it again:

Me: OK, I packed you just some popcorn and a few pieces of lunch meat for lunch. Then we can eat nuggets and fries with your friend. Sound good?


Boy: Yeah, that sounds good. 

When we got out of the car to walk up to the school, The Boy pointed to his lunch box.

Boy: What's that?


Me: What?


Boy: That, in your hand. What is it?


Me: Your lunch box.


Boy: I'm bringing my lunch today???


Me:


Me: Dude, we talked about you bringing a snack so we can all eat lunch together later. Remember?


Boy: What?

Me: Last night and this morning we talked about you bringing some popcorn and some lunch meat so you'll still be hungry when we all meet for lunch today. You know, with your friend. We just talked about this. Remember???


Boy: I have no idea what you are talking about. I want to buy my lunch like usual.


Me:


Me: Seriously?


Boy: YES!


Me:


Me: 


Me: OK, let me put your lunch box back in the car then.

I have a headache.


Boobs, a bunny, and The Boy.